The first time I saw my 9-month old babies, who had just learned to crawl, lean towards each other with mouths wide open, I knew instantly that neither the decade of child development and infant mental health trainings I’d attended nor the dozens of parenting trainings I had taught, had prepared me for this biting incident. Ironic since 4 times out of 5, the first question I get when I begin working with a toddler classroom is “how do I get this kid to stop biting?” In that moment, I also knew I was going to regret not capturing their expressions in a photo - the impulse they were experiencing was so pure, so powerful, and their faces were such the perfect illustration of the intensity of emotion that young children feel. But instead of reaching for my phone, I did what many people would: I yelled “no!” (probably louder than I intended) and reached to separate them.

Now if you had asked me, prior to that minute, what to do if children are biting, I would have used my standard line, “it depends.” And the truth is, it does depend. For me, it was the first time I’d seen them biting, they were 9 months old, just starting to get a handle on being mobile, and with little potential to do much damage (having not too many teeth yet and still being easily distracted). Yelling “no,” as I did, was probably unnecessary, but it happened. The situation would of course be quite different at 18 months, 30 months, or 4 years. It would be different if they were constantly biting. It would be different if they were older and had no language skills. It would be different if they were eating well, or not eating at all. It could even be different if they were biting me as opposed to each other.

So with all these variables, how does anyone give parenting advice?

I don’t know! That’s why I try to avoid it whenever possible. :-) I have a few tricks up my sleeve, but most of my tricks are either things you’ve already tried or things you could find just as fast by searching the Internet on your own. So, if I don’t have “the answers,” what am I trying to do here? And why would you, a busy parent, want to spend your time here?

Well, I have a few ideas in mind - but do let me know if you have others! Here’s what I’ve come up with:

If you’re like me, you know what you’re “supposed” to do. You’ve read books and/or spent hours searching for answers, talking to people, commiserating with other parents. And maybe you’ve even tried some of the things you’ve read about. And maybe, if you’re lucky, some of those things have worked. I’m not interested in telling you what you should try or what you’re supposed to be doing. I want to give you something to think about, some space to ask yourself why what you’re supposed to be doing isn’t happening or why even when it is, it isn’t working all the time. I’m curious about what IS happening and WHY it’s happening - how it feels to be a parent right now, how it feels to be a kid, what each is needing right now, and how all of those feelings and needs might be getting in the way of each other and whatever is “supposed” to be happening. Because as hard as parenting itself may feel, the feeling that on top of it all, there’s a right way to do it, and you either don’t know what that is or you just can’t seem to do it can be even worse.
There are enough people out there who will tell you to take care of yourself first (to put your oxygen mask on first!), to let go of all that guilt, to cherish the minutes. People will tell you parenting should be fun. They’ll tell you the days are long but the years are short. Lovely sentiment. But I know during those long days, you don’t need to hear how short they’ll feel in 5-10 years. You need them to feel shorter now. I wish I knew how to actually make them shorter, but in lieu of that, I’m hoping to offer a little company - maybe in the form of something you can read on your phone which is hiding under your child’s crib while your other arm is twisted through the railing patting their head through sobbing and screaming - or when you’re hiding in the bathroom sobbing and screaming yourself. Because ironically, those moments of having children crawling all over you can be the moments when you feel the most alone.
I’ve heard from a few people who know me well and like to keep me happy that I can, on occasion and under the right conditions, be a little funny. And while we’re serious when we need to be, those times when you find yourself covering your grin and stifling your giggle or giving up and laughing at the absurdity of the situation -- that humor can’t hurt, right?

So, welcome to my blog! I’m looking forward to being on this journey with you. And with that child who just pulled your hair - yes, I see you, kid.