Monkey decided not to wear a mask to school, but the other stuffies all gave it a try.
In the last post I wrote about ways to start preparing yourself and your child for going back to preschool or daycare. Here I’m going to share a few specific activities or strategies you might try with your kids, and also what different behaviors you might see and how you can understand them. Each of these ways of engaging with your children takes energy, energy that may be in short supply. Go easy on yourself and do the things you can. I describe these not to suggest they are each absolutely necessary - or even always helpful - but instead to offer some possibilities.
Getting ready. Kids can only learn so much through talking - a lot of their best learning comes through play, so when we think about ways to prepare kids for going back to school, we have to think about playful ways of doing so (in addition to conversation). In other words, bring school into your play. Use your child’s interests: if your child is into baby dolls, set up a baby doll preschool, or if your child is into dinosaurs, set up a dinosaur preschool. In your baby doll or dinosaur school, talk about the kinds of new protocols your child’s school might have - pull out the doctor’s kit and take everyone’s temperature, make little masks out of tissues, and allow your child to make up some guidelines, too. Engaging in your child’s interest is a great way to get them out the door, too, use questions to motivate the journey, like how many Subarus will we pass on our walk to school? Or how many sloths live in the trees near your school? Whatever you choose, make it fun for all of you!
The countdown. You’ve been talking to your child and playing, and now you have a set date to return. Some kids have a great sense of time, but many can benefit from a playful and concrete illustration. One option is putting small rocks (or figurines) in a jar/bucket or creating a paper chain and taking one out/off at the end of each day leading up to the first day back. If you’ve got energy to spare, you might even surprise them with a fun sticker or a sticky note with a memory your child has of school on the bottom of each one. Here’s where it’s key not to go overboard - 7 days (rocks/figurines/paper loops) is plenty. For the last day, you can also include a surprise - maybe a picture of you and your child together - that your child can take with them to school.
Separation anxiety. Often parents have a pretty good idea if their kids will be the ones to cry and cling at drop off that first day, but sometimes kids throw us for a loop! Remember that there is nothing bad or wrong about your child being a little nervous about going back to school, especially right now - this is a big transition, and they’ve just spent an enormous amount of time with you and only you. Besides clinginess, worry about being away from parents can look like stalling (when leaving the house or at bedtime), sleep disruptions (trouble falling asleep, frequent waking, nightmares), physical symptoms (stomaches, headaches), and (one that can be particularly annoying) following parents around at home. Given the questions about safety that have come up during the pandemic, the first step is to assess what messages you’re sending your child about their safety - and any ambivalence you might have about being away from them. (Refer to my previous post for more details.) If you’re saying (explicitly or implicitly) that things aren’t safe, then these behaviors aren’t pathological, they’re rational. Following that assessment and any reassurance you need to offer about actual safety (“Things haven’t always felt safe, but I will keep you safe at home and your teachers know how to keep you safe at school”), you’ll want to acknowledge your child’s feelings, “We’ve had so much fun staying home together, I know you don’t want me to go - I will miss you too. And I’ll be back after school is over and we can do more coloring together then! ” Some concrete strategies you can use include:
Creating (or buying) a special token your child can keep at school and find if they’re feeling sad. [Update: Not all schools are allowing children access to things they’ve brought from home during the school day. Some creative solutions to this are a temporary tattoo or bandaid on their arm or the back of their hand, a bracelet (that they won’t take off and on), or, if you’re especially crafty, sewing a patch of fabric inside their pocket or sleeve. The key is finding something they can’t remove too easily (or won’t want to), thereby avoiding any potential distraction/jealousy in the rest of the class.]
Developing a “secret” goodbye handshake -- or maybe you already have one, and need to add a new part to it! The handshake might also make sense for those who may be used to hanging out in the classroom longer and won’t be able to do so because of new school protocols.
Enlist your child’s teacher for help. Teachers sometimes stand back from parent-child goodbyes in order to avoid pushing either of you faster than you’re ready to go, but if you feel like you’re needing help, come up with a signal you can give the teacher to let them know you’re ready for them to peel that kid off of you.
Read books about saying brief separations. One great option is The Kissing Hand, which is about saying goodbye when going to school (and has a version that comes with stickers!). Or sing Daniel Tiger’s “Grownups Come Back.”
As tempting as it may be, avoid sneaking out when your child is distracted. It both ends up surprising children in a very unpleasant way and increase anxiety around parents leaving since now their experience is you never know when parents might leave. No, not even ok for the kids who don’t have trouble saying goodbye. A quick kiss, high five, wave while your child is looking is plenty, as long as it happens. It’s so hard to see them cry, but I have never met a teacher who even slightly understated how long a child cries after a parent leaves: if they’re telling you your child is fine when you go, it’s true. If they’re telling you your child needs a little more help, let’s chat.
The honeymoon period. Keep in mind that even if the first week is amazing, the second (or the third or fourth) week might be tough. This is also normal - it’s the end of the “honeymoon,” the realization that this isn’t just a fun one week break. Again, it’ll be important to acknowledge your child’s feelings: “It was fun to go back to school at first, and now you’re missing the time we had together.” And your own - maybe you’re missing some parts of having your kid home more than you realized. For better and for worse, things will continue to change. Buckle up. Make sure your child knows that you can still plan fun activities together (and follow through on those plans) and that they will also have fun at school.
After school meltdowns. (Also known as after school restraint collapse.) You pick your child up at school, the teacher gives a perfect report, your child happily gets in the car, and as soon as you pull up to your home, your child falls apart completely. While there are probably many reasons this happens, one potential explanation is that your child has been “holding it together” or managing their feelings at school all day and now that they’re home with you, they’re letting it all out. It’s discouraging as a parent, especially when you want to have the fun moments with your child (see #6) or when you make it about what you’re doing. (“I must be doing something wrong if they’re so good at school but such a wreck when we get home!”) Instead, consider that you have created a space for your child in which they know you will love them no matter what feelings they have and however big those feelings are. As usual, my advice is to acknowledge your child’s feelings: “It’s hard to spend all day away from each other! We have so much to catch up on when we are together again.” Make the transition a little more tolerable for both of you, in whatever ways you can:
Play! Which animal will you be when you get out of the car today? A frog who jumps to the house? (Also a good way to get out some extra energy!)
Ask more directed questions. Instead of “how was your day” try “who sat next to you at circle?” or “what books did you read?” or “what was for lunch?” (That last one is still a good one even if you already know the answer!)
Explore what the transition is like for you. Do you feel rushed? Do you need to give yourself a little more time in between getting your child and whatever you’re doing before you pick your child up?
But we’re going back to school - why can’t we go to the playground? It’s a great question - and one a lot of adults are struggling to understand as guidelines change. Moreover, different families are making different choices. Broken record: acknowledge feelings! “You miss going to the playground so much!” or “It is confusing that what we can do keeps changing and that some families are making different choices!” Then you can talk about some of the reasons why “grown-ups/scientists/doctors are working hard to make it safe for us to do all the things we used to do. Right now, it’s safe to go to school, and our family is waiting a little longer to go back to the playground. I hope we can go back soon, too!”
Last, but not least, remember from the last post that there may be things you didn’t realize you’d miss about not spending quite so much time with your children. Incorporate as much fun as you can into the routines you have - for everyone’s sake. An occasional hot chocolate date here or there isn’t going to lead to poor eating habits forever, or that you’ll need to “bribe” your child every day, and may go a long way towards making the rest of the routine go smoothly. And most importantly, it’ll be something fun for you, too. As always, if this has raised questions or concerns for you, please be in touch - I’d love to hear your feedback or support you in exploring what’s coming up around your child’s transition back to school.